A Mary Manual

My current roommates put this together for the next round of STINT girls:

1. If Mary eats breakfast, it will be a good day.
2. Biskrem and Coke fix about 95% of Mary’s problems.
3. Mary will be one of the firsts to have an impromptu dance party with you in the kitchen. “The Beat” by Ben Rector is one of her favorites.
4. Mary goes through seasons: Thiebb. season, mac and cheese season, and sandwich season. No she does not want to eat anything else during these seasons.
5. Someone needs to partner with Mary on being late. This same person should make sure Mary is out of bed 20 minutes before the meeting. Singing old hymns to her usually works.
6. Thank us for helping Mary learn how to cry.
7. If Mary drinks five Cokes after finishing the Daniel Fast and rescuing sick kittens, she will throw up for 12 hours straight and blame God.
8. Boycotting things is one of Mary’s past-times. When Mary says, “I am never doing ___ again,” what she really means is, “I will not do that until again until you catch me doing it.”
9. If you do not throw an awesome birthday week for Mary, you will die.
10. Mary wakes up in 2 moods: Cloud 9 or asleep.
11. Deep cleaning the apartment past 11:30 is normal; don’t be alarmed.
12. Don’t let her stay inside for long amounts of time.
13. She will like to give you hugs, after she’s known you for a few months…
14. Don’t let Mary wallow in the pit of despair. You’ll instinctively know when she’s doing this because it will be 7:00 and she’ll be laying face down on her bed.
15. If you ask her 3-4 times to do anything, she’ll really do just about anything.
16. If she cries, you’re getting somewhere.
17. The large amount of hair left on the wall in the shower is not a rat nor is it a sign of cancer.
18. Ask about the Stanky Hip.
19. Sleep is a very high priority, but Malaria medicine is not.
20. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT LET MARY BRING HOME STRAY ANIMALS. QUOTE SCRIPTURE ABOUT FLEEING FROM SIN.
21. Do not let Mary talk to anyone’s mom. She gets incredibly nervous and shares secrets within the first 45-seconds of conversation.
22. Whoever you are Skyping, Mary will want to Skype with them too. She might even bring in her guitar and sing a song for your family.
23. Don’t send her to the market for “l’extincteur de fur.”
24. If she’s not wearing it, you can borrow it without asking. Take it.
25. If you catch Mary working out/going for a run, stop immediately and interrogate her on why. Chances are she just looked at SELF or Fitness magazine. Tie her to a chair and force feed her chocolate chip cookies instead.
26. What to do when Mary wakes up with furrowed eyebrows: tell her to get rid of them, hug her and pray with her. Don’t mention anything about Starbuck’s Caramel Lattes, the fact that she cannot wear sweatpants today, or the fact that she is more than likely going to be late.
27. Mary has a PhD. from WebMD.com. Ask her how many fatal illnesses we’ve all had this year.
28. If Mary walks into whatever room you’re in and just stares at you, this means she wants you to address her, quit whatever you’re doing and talk to her or play. If she’s wanting to talk, here’s the protocol:

• for positive news: ask first, “what’s up?” Expect a childlike laugh to come out, a little prance towards you (she will choose the seat next to you even if there are 5 other open spaces), and then she’ll share.
• for negative news: first ask, “what’s up?” Do not expect a prance. Expect a sigh and then an, “I don’t know…” You must ask again two more times, “What’s going on?” THEN, try to guess it and she’ll correct you by telling you really what’s wrong. By that time she’s found her way to your bed and is laying there face up in defeat over something that truly isn’t a big deal, but once you talk through it she’ll be prancing again. Just you wait!

*A special thanks to my sweet roommates Rachel and Whitney for spouting out over 40 Mary facts. Either they are really good friends and know me well, or I’m just so readable.  I love you both and am so thankful for you!

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